Honesty Is Still the Best Policy — The Good Men Project
The wise men said: “If it’s not right, don’t do it, if it’s not true, don’t say it” by Marcus Aurelius, and: “Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom” by Thomas Jefferson. Two powerful men, the first a Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher and the latter one, the author of the US Declaration of Independence, were aware of the importance of truth and honesty.
If things are so obvious, why is it so difficult to live following the wisdom of well-renowned politicians, philosophers? Why are there so many lies and fake news spreading the (social) media, why do people need to lie, when living in truth is so much easier and less complicating? We might find the answer in the thought of another famous philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “Some people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed”. Everything starts with ourselves, and if we are honest with ourselves, then we treat other people the same way. It’s not always easy, but it’s the only way we know to relate to others and is in alignment with our internal moral compass.
People differ, some have more strict principles, some have less, while the other doesn’t have them at all. The latter ones don’t even think they do something wrong since it’s their realm to live in, as the chorus of the famous song by Fleetwood Mac says: “tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. “ Lies are lies whether they are white, little, big, etc. They are the opposite of the truth. A moral person can’t accept it, besides that, an empath having strong ethical principles and antennae for that, can smell lies instantly. I count myself in this group; we not only read or hear what people say but sense how people say it, which emits their body language. In personal communication, there is a 7–38–55% rule by dr. Albert Mehrabian; elements of personal communication consist of 7% spoken words, 38% voice, tone and 55% body language. The last two items amount to 93% of communication, which implies that a person who speaks is only by 7% identified by his or her words and 93% determined by the tone of his or her voice and body language. That’s why the empaths are such a good detector of lies because their comprehension of people goes beyond the words spoken.
The (personal) oral communication connects people, conveys messages but can also be quite a significant source of misunderstanding and misinterpretations. We can classify the conversation and the tendency to (not)speaking truth into three areas:
- Public speaking (such as politics, media, public figures, etc.)
- Workplace
- Private or personal sphere.
1. Public speaking: culture and the personal traits of public figures condition the propensity for telling the truth in this area. In the old days, there was jester at the court, which was usually the only person who was able, to tell the truth, or give the bad news to the King that no one else would dare deliver. The Monarch was well aware of the fact that too many people with dubious manners and being subservient to, surrounded him. Even now, some “bitter” truths are communicated through humour and comedy. That’s why stand-ups are so popular. In this regards, that’s why probably some politicians like to tell jokes. The politicians are a specific kind of breed, not always being honest in their presentations, but their voters still believe them.
2. Workplace: being honest at the workplace is always a double-edged sword; telling things as they are or not saying it all. People do weigh the pros and cons of being downright honest: will that cost me a job, promotion, etc. Many times bosses or people in management positions are not very keen to hear the truth; some of us experienced the person, who twisted the data or sucked up to the boss, and turned out to be better off than the honest one. As Robert Green points out in his book The Laws of Human Nature; “Be very careful when people ask you for their opinion about their work or something related to their character or their look. They do not want the truth; they want the support and confirmation given as realistically as possible”. But if you want to earn the respect of a person, being honest and telling the truth is essential. Twisting it might bring you benefits in the short-term, but as lie has no legs, it comes after you to pay for it, often in terms of lost respect and truthfulness.
3. Interpersonal relationships: Being honest with your partner, family, friends, etc. is even more relevant. Candour means being vulnerable, authentic and real. What is the point of being in a relationship if you lie and keep secrets? You are together to grow closer, not to hide things and ruin trust, and this is valid for friendships too. My personal experience is that when the trio: secrets-lies-manipulation come in between us, the relationship or friendship ended. Keeping secrets or being lied to is hurtful and most of all, disrespectful from a person you considered to be your friend or partner. It hurts that he or she thought you would not find it out. But you do, rather sooner or later. Thus I always prefer being told the truth, no matter how painful it is than telling me lies and making a fool out of me. In the name of the bond, we established, just be fair to me.
Truth is truth, but a person can be considerate of the recipient when saying it — some like it told in a blunt version, some in a more polite, diplomatic way. Be mindful of your tongue and language, when bringing it forward.
Living with a strong moral compass, being honest in words and deeds is not always easy. The nature of the truth is not invariably evident, many times it comes out after days, months or even years, but eventually, it reveals itself. At night, when your head hits the pillow, and your mind is calm, you know that living the proverb “honesty is the best policy” pays off more than any money could.
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Originally published at https://goodmenproject.com on April 11, 2020.